A bit of a hiatus from the blogging world.... Just over a year. Holy moly it has been a year! I honestly don't even know where to begin - so much has happened in so many ways. So maybe I will just go over all that I have learned this past year.....? Being a parent has made me so much more neurotic than I ever thought I would be... How so you ask? Well, I was going into the whole parenting thing with the mindset that I wouldn't be the weird neurotic mom. HAH. In the days of pre-parenting, I totally didn't care about what sort of baby food to buy or what wipes were the best, what diapers were going to last.... Things I thought other parents in the world obsessed over for no real reason. Yet here I sit tonight, obsessive about the food I feed my son, incredibly particular about his diapers and wipes, and even more neurotic about what he gets exposed to. Here's my re-cap (in no particular order):
1. I (along with Patrick!) successfully started out Joseph's introduction to solids in the most un-processed of ways possible. Which I am SO EXCITED we did! We waited until he was 6 months old and our amazing pediatrician gave us the all clear to start solids. Thankfully, this was like early/mid July when my mom's garden was in full swing - bonus for even less chemical exposure! We didn't buy a single jar of baby food - Patrick got pretty into it as well, it gave us so much joy to roast/steam/boil so many different vegetables and fruits for our little man! And, it was so incredibly cheap!!!
2. Wipes - Costco's are the absolute best. You get the freaking mother-load for $15-$19 bucks and it seems to last quite a long time. Most durable wipes we've tried.
3. Diapers - Pampers. But most definitely not the "baby dry" version - those suckers leaked the most! The current fave is the "Cruisers". Before the cruisers, it was the "Swaddlers" - those things were AMAZING. In the event that I should ever change my mind about my "one and done" motto, we will buy stock in these things. Leading up to and even in the first months of Joey's life, Patrick and I were totally on board with buying whatever was the cheapest - which had typically been the Costco brand - however in comparison to the Pampers, the quality just wasn't the same. Seriously. Nothing against anyone who chooses this route, honestly - props to you for being able to do it! However, Joseph has taught us that sometimes you just have to figure out what the best match is for your baby.... And Joe is a bit of a pee-er. The kid seriously has great functioning kidneys, so we had to figure out the best diaper to last through the night (especially since he sleeps like 12 hours consistently...). LUCKILY there's this great thing called Amazon and Amazon Prime - life savers when it comes to buying diapers.
4. Carseats - where to even begin?? Since Patrick is "Mr. Safety" and I'm pretty sure this is all where my neuroses started, we researched the heck out of carseats/brands/models. Our first was the number 1 rated safety pick from Consumer Reports (and also one of the largest on the market). Quite the investment (shout out to my momma who bought it for us!) and so well worth it since it lasted our little guy a little over a year. When we went to upgrade to the convertible style, we again hit the web researching. Originally we intended on just getting a lower end model, but ended up refusing to settle on lower quality for our little man. We again have the behemoth of carseats.
5. Toys - this kid has amassed quite the array of toys. I'm especially fond of all wooden toys (Melissa and Doug seriously make some of the greatest toys ever) which are so incredibly durable. Our other fave is anything from Green Toys - eco friendly and made from recycled milk jugs (pretty awesome right?). I can't stand the noisy toys that don't have an off switch - for real. It's one thing to have a 16 month old kid banging on his toys and squealing every five seconds, but add in a toy that is more obnoxious than banging a metal spoon on a metal pan with no off switch? NO THANK YOU! :-)
6. TV - I'm so incredibly neurotic about this one. I hate when I catch Joe looking at the tv. Absolutely hate it. He used to not even notice it, but as he's getting older, he's becoming more and more aware of everything else that goes on in the house. I spend more of my days off with him with our TV off because I don't want him to watch any at all - even those "educational" shows. There's something about just watching him play and learn with his various toys.... that and I absolutely don't want him to get attached to any tv at all, not for a very long time. My TV exposure as a child was pretty limited (thanks mom, dads, and Michelle!). My "faves" as an elementary school child were Sesame Street, Reading Rainbow, and Mr. Roger's. I also loved the few VHS tapes we had of Tom and Jerry, Bugs Bunny, and Superman - all the classics! I think kids today are exposed to far too much TV (especially WEIRD TV) at a much too young age. There seem to be more and more studies coming out about kids who are exposed to pro-longed tv viewing and electronic device usage having more difficulties focusing in school. I think this is especially true when it comes to behavioral struggles as well. One of my nephews has become so obsessed with watching movies, playing various video games and computer games, that trying to get him to stop is a constant battle for my sister. I think that the sheer control my parents had when we were kids was directly responsible for how we behaved - and seeing that difference in a more lax environment has proven much different results.
7. Being a working mom - so incredibly difficult and full of so many different sacrifices. This is a constant struggle of mine. I was anticipating a much smoother-ish transition than what actually happened. Returning to work and finding out I had a new boss was a freaking blessing. However, I also returned to work in the midst of pure chaos prepping for one of the biggest store visits of my life. Try pumping breastmilk regularly when your phone won't stop ringing and you are literally struggling to find the time to take your lunch. Awful those first few months. Looking back, I now realize that I just didn't take the time to put my foot down and put myself and my son first. After about 2 months of returning to work, I ended up not being able to breastfeed Joe any more - hugely in part because I just wasn't producing enough milk for him. I've sacrificed sacred time with Joey on so many occasions because I've been so dedicated to my job. It's hard to really know what that sacrifice looks like until you realize that you haven't held your son in a day or two because you've worked such long hours. Being a professional and being a mom are two very complex jobs - putting the two together are not easy. I have my periods of time where it seems to gel well together and that it all has a purpose, then there are the times that I wish I could just quit and stay home with my little man full time. I envy the moms that are able to do this. Trying to go for promotions to help make it "worth it" to be a working mom is also gut wrenching and heart breaking at the same time. I've been turned down twice in the past year and it has sucked so much each time.
8. Family time is sacred. My most recent schedule has proved difficult in balancing family time. Having the same day off with Patrick is typically filled with various trips/dinners/gatherings around and very few actual days where it is just us. It can be incredibly taxing for the both of us. The hours that we do get together seem to be filled with naps and trying to just catch up with what's happening around us. It's crazy to think how much busier we have gotten. 9. I love my son more than I could ever have thought possible. He is such the handsome little man these days, full of energy, smiles, laughs, general cuteness with a splash of mischief that's starting to show. Teaching him new things brings so much joy. He's become quite the snuggler recently - so much fun when you go in his room after he's done with his nap and he instantly says "HI!" with this giant grin on his face while he's reaching up for you. As soon as you pick him up, his tiny little arms hug around you and he snuggles in. He's also learned how to give kisses - most recently he won't go to bed at night unless he gives you a kiss and a hug. He kills me with his general cuteness. Seriously. I can't handle it sometimes he's just so stinkin cute! 10. I'm six weeks Zoloft free! It took me a long time to get here and I'm so incredibly thankful that I'm in a stronger place and no longer need the Zoloft to keep me going. I came close to weaning off of it at various points this past year, inevitably I was too scared. I finally said enough was enough. Patrick was hesitant. It has definitely been an adjustment. But a good one overall. I think I've rambled enough - hows about some incredibly cute pics of my little monster?
My little man is 3 months old now! Time has FLOWN by... I return to work on Monday... something I am dreading. Going back to reality, leaving my bubble. My daily routine will drastically change from just focusing on breastfeeding, changing diapers, playing with Joey, and soothing him to sleep... I have to add in work. And all that it encompasses. Planning my morning around his a.m. feedings... showering and pulling myself together BEFORE 6pm... making sure his diaper bag is ready to go... making sure I'm ready to go... commuting the 45 minutes to Hillsboro with rush hour traffic that I have had the luxury of avoiding since early January... and WORKING... and pumping at work... then returning home after another 45 minute commute with just enough time to feed my little man before we have to get him in bed for the night.
I'm anxious about the whole process. Ugh. I'm going to miss my little man each day... miss playing with him... listening to him babble at his toys and seeing his incredibly beautiful smile all day long. I have to figure out how to squeeze every minute I can into being with him while he's awake. I'm feeling very territorial about the whole thing. I didn't think I would to this level.
People ask if I can handle being away from him and I can - I haven't had that stereotypical nervousness about leaving him even for a few hours - I haven't felt the need to call to check on him because I'm confident that he is perfectly content. My anxiety about my return to work is simply me. How will I handle it?
When the expected daily stress mounts and people start freaking out about something that has been deemed critical - how will I curb my urge to not walk away from it or not scream there are much more important things in life? I think that's where my biggest struggle is - knowing there is so much more to life than my job and not understanding why people feel it is necessary to put so much stress on work and imply that it is the most important thing that must be done in life. Seriously world. Get a hold of yourself!
So....
What have I been up to these past 3 months?
Life as a first time mom... with a case of post partum depression. Joseph is positively the most miraculous part of my life thus far. He has been rolling over from his tummy to his back since he was 3 weeks old. Yes, you read that right THREE WEEKS OLD! And... he rolled from his back to his tummy a little over 3 weeks ago (he has yet to repeat this fun move yet, which I'm completely fine with!). He is so incredibly strong, and alert, and curious... and just downright amazing... not to mention just the most adorable little man ever. He's my tiny human. So what's my problem, you're probably wondering?
So much. That's what! You see, I'm a planner. I like to know what is going to happen and I like to have control of what happens around me. As Patrick and I were preparing our home for Joseph's arrival, we knew our world would change once he made his debut. We knew we would sleep less and that we would have a different life. I knew this was going to be hard.
But I had NO IDEA just how hard and just how much I would be impacted by it. Labor? I was banking on a relatively fast labor and delivery since all the women in my family practically shoot their babies out once their water breaks. 30+ hours.... pretty sure it's a record for my side of the family... and one that won't ever be broken by any of them. Now, those 30 hours were relatively smooth. But I wasn't prepared for over 30 hours of labor.
The first few days and breastfeeding? Well. Incredibly painful. And emotional. And completely heartbreaking when my milk took longer to come in and Joseph was so hungry we couldn't get him to stop hysterically crying. I knew it would be hard breastfeeding in the beginning but I figured we would get in the groove fast and it would all smooth out. HAH. So wrong. I didn't want to have to supplement him with formula. I felt like I was failing him already even though I knew I didn't have control on the timeline of when my milk would be at the supply he needed.
New parent exhaustion? Exhaustion doesn't even begin to describe what you feel. I knew I needed to sleep when he slept... but trying to do that when he was eating every 2 hours? And it wasn't every 2 hours from when he was finished eating or when I couldn't stand the pain and made him stop... it was every 2 hours from when he STARTED eating. So... breastfeeding for 30-45 minutes and then trying to sleep once he went to sleep? Doesn't work like that.
That whole day/night "confusion" that babies have? How about colic? Near constant diaper changing, cleaning up spit-up. Soothing. Attempting to deal with his nightly hysterics that would last for a few hours. Trying to sleep while rocking him. Getting so frustrated that he won't sleep, that he won't calm down, that you can't sleep.
Feeling so isolated even though you are surrounded by a huge, loving family that is more than willing to help. Feeling alone. So incredibly alone. And exhausted.
Not getting anything to eat until 3pm every day, let alone go to the bathroom. Lucky to shower every few days. And constantly feeling like a complete failure and wondering why on earth I thought I was ready to be a mother. Having your husband look you in the eyes and with so much concern as he utters the words "I'm worried about you" on a regular basis and having him have to take your screaming baby out of your arms because you can't stop crying either.
Add it all together and I am one hot mess. It took me a long time to realize I needed help. A long time to accept help. I literally spent an entire day sitting on our couch with tears streaming down my face and having this complete feeling of emptiness. I shut down completely. Luckily we had my 6 week post partum check-up the next day. After a sobering conversation about what I was experiencing, we left with resources and a prescription.
This bumpy and windy dark road has slowly smoothed and straightened out and gotten a little brighter. I have gone from not wanting anyone else to know what is really going on to being okay that people know. I didn't want anyone to know at first because I didn't want anyone to look at me differently and constantly ask how I'm doing or how I'm feeling. People ask "how are you doing" differently when they know something really is wrong. I still don't like being asked how I'm doing. I'm here. I'm awake. I've showered today. I'm generally not okay all the time. This isn't something that I want to talk about all the time, or even every once in a while. There's still a part of me that doesn't want anyone around me to know. And then there's this part of me - the part that realizes I'm going to be okay someday and that post partum depression is nothing to be ashamed of. And nothing to hide.
I'm not completely broken. I'm just a little battered and bruised. But I'm healing. If you ask me how I'm doing and I respond with any of the canned "fine" "good" "great" answers, know that I am or that I'm working on it. Know that I'm focusing on the good in my life and that I don't want to talk about the dark and twisty stuff.
Know that I am absolutely over the top in love with my son:
Our "Little Lion Man" has arrived! After just over 30 hours of labor, Joseph James Bailey made his debut on January 18th at 1:15 in the afternoon - weighing 8lbs 3oz, 20.5 inches long, and a 14.5 inch head! The past few weeks have absolutely flown by as we watch our little man already changing and growing. He has been an absolute blessing in our lives. We are slowly figuring out his schedule and figuring out how to adjust our own sleep cycles to make sure we have enough energy.
I continue to be amazed at just how absolutely different life is once Joey arrived - I truly don't know how we could have lived without this precious little guy in our lives. I had 9 months to prepare for him and even those short months still don't even begin to really prepare your heart for how different you feel once you see his face, hear his cries and squeaks, and watch how fast he calms down when I hold him close to my heart.
As I reflect on the past 9+ months, I get full of emotion - overwhelming joy and pure gratefulness that we have been so blessed to begin this journey of parenthood with Joey.
The final week before delivery could have gone a lot differently, but once again - we lucked out. We went in for our routine weekly appointment - an early morning one since we both needed to go to work immediately after. Went through the now routine motions of each appointment - trip to the bathroom, waiting for my Medical Assistant (MA) to be ready to take my weight, blood pressure, temperature, general check-in, etc. Who knew that this morning would be any different? While waiting for my MA, my doctor was in the midst of tending to another patient and briefly stopped long enough to ask if we wanted an exam and made a comment about how my belly had now become an excellent shelf for my hands. I then went about the routine - stepping backwards onto the scale, getting my blood pressure taken... only my MA started asking more pointed questions about me - headaches? no - sharp pain in my upper right abdomen? - no.... after she left and as we waited for my doctor - I knew something was up... My blood pressure reading had been the highest I had ever seen it... My doctor came in and instantly starting checking out how swollen my feet and ankles had become and said he noticed I had become a little too puffy and that I was most likely going to end up on leave early. After my exam (I'm sparing you the painful details!), we were ushered into the ultrasound room - he needed to check the amniotic fluid levels - my levels were great - if anything - I had a little extra fluid (YAY!).
Then we were ushered into another room and I was hooked up to the baby monitor and instructed to push a button every time Joey moved. My doc wanted to track Joey's heart to make sure he was responding properly when he moved. Everything checked out well with this exam... Then we were given our marching orders: up to the lab for bloodwork and other test instructions and then home for bedrest. Follow-up on Friday, with multiple calls from the doc that afternoon and Thursday.
We showed up for the Friday appointment, with me full of anxiety. I knew the implications of everything and was really starting to get overwhelmed. I wanted our little guy to not be in any danger and for my health to be okay. I managed to lose a pound, blood pressure was down to a safer level. We once again got hooked up to the baby monitor. Everything was checking out well, all good signs! We saw the wheels turning for my doc as he realized when his next on-call shift was and I got a small glimmer of hope that he would be the one to deliver our little one after all. We left the appointment and would be returning again on Monday for more checking in.
Monday came along. I had been a good girl (for the most part) when it came to my bedrest. So good that I lost another 4 pounds. Holy cow was I retaining water! My swelling had significantly gone down and my doc was pleased with Joey's continued movement and strong heart rate. And the new marching orders? Return on Thursday, a scheduled induction to begin Saturday night so our doc would be just starting his on-call shift Sunday morning. Prior to this point, I had been completely anti any induction/medical interventions, but knowing my doc would be the one in charge made me much more open - I had grown to trust and respect his decisions - and he has the ability to explain the reasoning with respect. So. Home I went again. I was starting to go a little stir crazy... bored... lonely... But attempting to enjoy the quiet time I had been blessed with and the time to take naps at my leisure.
While all of this was happening, our wonderful winter weather decided to make itself present. We had wet snow flurries and were expecting icy conditions... Patrick was working late... and I decided to drive myself to bible study. I knew it would be my last appearance for a while. No ice outside, thankfully, and no snow falling either - yay! The last thing I needed was a stressful drive when I wasn't even supposed to be driving! After bible study, I went back home... Patrick was still at work - the latest night he'd ever had in the office. He finally came home and I declared I needed more yarn if I was going to survive another week of bedrest... So off to Freddies we went... A "quick" trip in to get yarn developed into getting more storage bins, and a few other items... which inevitably meant lots of walking around the store... not so much following doc's instructions! Came home... settled down... went to bed... Who knew what the next morning would bring!
Patrick had to get up early for a meeting. Soon after he kissed me goodbye and headed downstairs to leave, I had to get up to go to the bathroom... or so I thought. Right after standing up, I instantly had the "wow - I didn't realize I had to go to the bathroom that badly..." situation. Got into the bathroom and thought that I was peeing... but something was different... At first I couldn't quite decipher what was happening... Then I thought I was done... The wheels started turning in my head... could this be? no... no... this isn't my water breaking... is it? As I stood up... well, that was the deciding moment. My water had most definitely broken. Patrick hadn't left the house yet. I started yelling for him... but he didn't hear me - he had the TV on. I continued yelling... The TV went silent... I yelled once more... he finally heard me and made his way back up to our room. I was standing in the bathroom doorway when he came into the room and exclaimed it was time - my water had broken! I think his response was along the lines of a "no way... shut up... are you serious?" with a growing smile on his face.
Instead of heading out for his meeting, he had to call his boss... But slight problem... the meeting he was supposed to go to with his boss... he had all the paperwork... what he had spent so long in the office prepping the night before... Change in plans - his boss would be stopping by our house to pick it up while we headed to the hospital!
While we had our hospital bag packed in advance, there were the last minute items we needed. Oh yeah, and I took a shower first! There was no way I was going to the hospital without one! We took our time rounding up the last minute items as we both started making our phone calls to parents, siblings, and close friends. My favorite response was from my step-mom. She had just texted prior to my discovery of my water breaking that she had 8 inches of snow at her house. I call her, she answers and promptly says "don't tell me you are in labor" - I say "I love you! You better start plowing the road because my water has broken!" As I'm finishing up attempting to figure out how to not leak all over the place, Patrick's boss shows up at our house to retrieve all the paperwork - I casually yell down 'hi' to him.
We finally make it to the car and start heading to the hospital. We called my doc's office while on the way to let them know. By this time, huge snowflakes were falling and rush hour was in full swing. Because no one can ever remember how to drive in any sort of weather, multiple accidents had happened, making the drive take a bit longer... I was pretty calm for the most part, breathing through my contractions that were getting stronger. We finally made it to the hospital and temporarily parked where we had been instructed to multiple times. The snow had increased significantly. Patrick wheeled out a wheelchair for me and we made our way up to Labor & Delivery. Filled out my little registration card and then we wheeled in to the triage area where we would be for what seemed like an eternity. And so began our lengthy list of amazing nurses who took excellent care of me.
After our lengthy triage time, we finally got ushered to our delivery room - the largest suite there! SCORE one for us! By this time, most of our family had arrived and made their way to our room once I got all hooked up to the monitors. Who knew we would be there for a LONG time... The doc on call turned out to be the director of my clinic, fabulous! I knew we would be in good hands. Because I hadn't progressed much, they let me eat - I was thrilled (again.... not aware that would be my last meal for a very long time...) We settled in to hanging out, with me working through my contractions. They were most definitely getting stronger, but still not as consistent... As we approached the 12 hour mark, I assumed the doc would instantly say it was time for pitocin. When he checked in on me, he asked how I was feeling, I told him I thought I was really starting to progress - my contractions had seemed to pick up and were most definitely stronger. Miraculously - he didn't make me start pitocin! Said we could keep going and they would continue to monitor me. 3am rolled around and my contractions had started doing this funny cluster thing.... I would get a number of strong ones back to back and then I would go for a period of time without them... so... the doc said it was pitocin time. The nurse said they were going to just give me a "whiff" of it in my IV. I was having the good contractions, we just needed to help regulate them to more consistency. So pitocin it was.
Things started to finally pick up. My contractions really started to pick up. I was doing a pretty good job and working through them... except for the back pain. A few hours later and I couldn't handle the back pain anymore. I needed drugs. So... IV drugs began.... kicked in... I felt freaking fabulous! So great that I was able to relax and just chill out... for a whole 20 minutes... You see... when labor isn't that far along but you can't really handle the pain, the IV drug will last up to 45 minutes... when your labor is at the point that mine was... the drug will only last 20 minutes... As it wore off, I came out of my stupor to go through the wrenching, painful, massive contractions I had just gotten relief from really feeling... Ohh the pain... I begged for the good stuff, the stuff that wouldn't go away... The Epidural. The nurse ordered it and said it would be about 45 minutes.... there was no way I was going to make it 45 minutes! I BEGGED for it to not take so long... The anesthesiologist showed up about 5-10 minutes later. Finally all hooked up and feeling much relief, I settled down to relax and attempt to get some sleep since it was almost 7am.
We got a surprise visitor a little bit later - my doc! Checking in on me before he went to his office. At about 10, the next on-call doc came in to check in and say hi - we had an appointment with her a few weeks prior so we knew her and were comfortable with her! Yay! A little while later my doc stopped in again. Around 11:45 I started to feel different... I was feeling some really really strong contractions and pressure... my nurse came in to check... and whadya know? It was GO TIME! A little over an hour of pushing and my little angel made his debut! We had a minor little scare - the cord was wrapped around his neck - but - no sooner had the doc informed us about it, she had it fixed and he was out!
I had made two different playlists for labor - one was dubbed my "calming" mix and the other was my "push" mix. Right before I started pushing, I decided to only play Mumford & Sons. Just as Joseph was making his debut - Little Lion Man was blaring through the speakers!
30+ hours of labor. I was exhausted. I'm not even sure that exhausted does justice for how I felt... Delirious. Seriously. And starving. I was so hungry I could barely eat once I got food.
2 Days later and we got to drive home with our little guy.
Hard to believe our little Joseph will be here soon! The past few months have flown by... I really couldn't tell you what happened to September... or October... or November (seriously... could have sworn yesterday was the beginning of November...)
We had our 34 Week appointment today - discussed our labor "wish list". We really get along great with our OB-GYN, he's pretty fantastic. I'm pretty much anti all the medical interventions and he's such a high caliber doctor that he listens, understands, and respects my opinions/desires. And, he can explain and give advice in a way that is not rude/abrasive/dis-respectful. Really classy guy.
Our last appointment wasn't with him because he was out of town, so we had the opportunity to meet with one of the other doctors. Which did not go so well AT ALL. Seriously. Some people just shouldn't be doctors. There's this thing called bedside manner and she seriously lacked it. We had just talked about medical interventions and had seen the various tools at our birthing class the night before. I brought up my strong desire to avoid forceps, vacuum, and the internal monitor. Now, when I brought it up, it was in the "hey, we just talked about this last night in class and we really don't want these items (listed out) used at all during our labor" The doctor's response was literally "WELL, I would HOPE that you would LISTEN to the doctor who probably has 25 YEARS experience and that you would CHANGE your mind in the moment". Then she gave us the canned "it is your right to say no, though". Did she bother explaining any medical reasoning to us? NO. I was completely shocked and appalled. By the time we got to our car and were leaving the parking garage I was in full hormonal melt-down mode with tears streaming down my face because I was so upset. You see, probably the only downside to my OB's clinic is they all participate in rounds at the hospital. Having our doctor actually deliver Joseph is HIGHLY unlikely... which means this lady we had just met and who had just been so abrasive has just as much a chance at being the physician on-call.
Needless to say, I am praying that she is not on-call when we go in. And I truly hope God grants my prayers that our doctor is on-call when we go into labor. Our doc's puts me at ease. When we talked with him today about each medical intervention, he was quick to say that they don't use forceps (thank God!), the internal monitor usage really isn't as invasive as we thought and has the same risks of infection as a natural abrasion of the skin when our baby is delivered. As for the vacuum, he said there is a pretty regular usage, HOWEVER. Each of our desires are completely valid and he completely respects our wishes. He also understands that in the moment of whatever may be happening, WE have the right to have the reasoning explained and the opportunity to say no. He also said that should we say no, that increases the likelihood of a c-section (to which I responded I had no problem with).
That's where Patrick and I differ a bit. I would rather put myself at more risk and deal with a c-section than have to worry that some other intervention may put Joseph at a higher risk of any complications. I would much prefer putting on our "wish list" absolute NOs to the usage of the vacuum, internal monitor, and forceps and just deal with the c-section if my labor progresses down that road. Patrick is a bit more open to the vacuum and internal monitor (all with legitimate medically necessary reasoning to back it up).
So where does that leave me today? Well, slightly more comfortable with the idea... but also feeling support that I am not some crazed person if I decide to just say no.
All this crazy talk and where's the update on our little guy??? Our check-up went really well today, my tummy growth is right on track with where it should be, his little heart is beating just how it should, my blood pressure is great, I can still enjoy food without limitation (all within moderation!). We are freaking great. This little guy is just a ball of energy. Our apps and my daily emails have told us that his movement should be less "violent" or strong... but... let's face facts here people... this is a Bailey boy inside my tummy... Have you met a Bailey boy? They are kind of energetic... kind of a handful... So, that means my tummy can be like a three-ring circus with all the action happening inside. I'm pretty sure Joseph has a daily cardio work-out consisting of either kick-boxing or boxing generally in the vicinity of the right side of my ribs... this action typically lasts for a solid 20-30 minutes of CONTINUOUS punching/kicking... it is a CONTINUOUS rhythm...
My tummy has taken on the alien-like visible movement when he decides to go a little bit spastic (by a little... I truly mean a lot...). I can be sitting in my office having a conversation with one of the associates and he will just decide it is time to be movin' and shakin'.... I'm waiting for the time when one of the associates or my fellow execs actually witness my belly really move...
I've been contracting on a pretty irregular basis. Nothing serious or any cause for concern. I gave the Home store guy a bit of a scare at Fred Meyers a couple weeks ago... didn't mean to, I just had to sit down for a bit to relax after a relatively strong/long contraction I had while walking around with Patrick.
We went to a FABULOUS concert Tuesday night (huge thanks to Steve and Mel!) Mumford and Sons was AMAZING. They are even better live than I thought they would be. Just fantastic. It was technically Joseph's first concert and a pretty damn good one too! Pretty sure our little guy thoroughly enjoyed it. (somehow I also think that listening to Mumford while in labor might actually help it move along a bit too.... had quite a few contractions during the entire concert...)
The nursery is pretty much ready to go. We have all the major stuff taken care of. The only thing that we really need to do is figure out some wall art to put up. We've had a few shopping splurges and bought quite a few cute outfits that we can't wait to put on our little guy. Bought the "going home" outfit - just a super cute little fleece footed sleeper. We are really starting to get anxious to officially meet our little guy. Patrick's ready for me to just go into labor right this minute if he had his way. I can still stand to wait a few more weeks until we are at the "all clear" 37 weeks.
It is bedtime now... long day today... another long day planned for tomorrow.... Peace outside!
Nineteen weeks 2 days along! We find out if this is a girl or a boy next TUESDAY! We CANNOT wait. Seriously. I wish I could fast-forward to next Tuesday. I'm ready to buy some clothes for this little person already! So far, our shopping (really, just Patrick's....) has resulted in the following: a giant teddy bear courtesy of Costco, a crib cover to keep Macy from sleeping on our child/suffocating our child, slide locks for our accordion closet doors, and one package of Pampers swaddlers size 1.
Me? I have yet to purchase anything for this little bundle of joy that's growing bigger every day. Weird, huh?
As for the bump? Well.... talk about a HUGE dose of denial. Seriously. Finally did the belly shot pic at 16.5 weeks. Didn't believe I had a bump yet, even though regular clothes haven't fit since late June.... It literally took Patrick showing me the pic of me sideways for me to have that O.M.G. moment. But still, didn't fully sync in.... we took our 18 week belly shot at the beach and now I'm a believer in my bump.
People at work still haven't quite figured it out (meaning the general population, not my fellow execs and my team). One employee thought I just had a beer belly (ummm... no.... and thanks for that confidence booster). My housekeeping manager came up to me Saturday.... I was rubbing my bump and she puts her hand on my tummy and asks what's wrong. I start laughing and told her nothing was wrong, I just have a baby inside my belly. Again with the slight shock. (really starting to build the self esteem....) Here's to hoping this belly gets a little bit bigger just a bit faster so it's more OBVIOUS. Seriously.... I blame society's need to be overly politically correct. (side note... I am praying that I don't get more stretch marks.... never ever wearing a bikini ever again BUT STILL. NO MORE please!)
Gotta love starting to feel this little one move/kick/punch my insides. Brings a smile to my face. I wish I had started feeling this earlier, but thanks to the location of said child's lifeline, there's a bit of an extra cushion that I have to feel these movements through. Which means even longer before Patrick will be able to feel our baby. Thanks body, thanks for making it a bit more difficult! I shake my fist at you!
Not enjoying the heartburn that has begun and steadily increased. However, figured out the major culprit - WORK. For reals. Last week I was under the assumption the heartburn was due to me eating/drinking/generally being awake.... until yesterday. I was off work, just chilling at home with the hubby being generally lazy. A much needed day of relaxation after a stressful week... And what do you know??? NO HEARTBURN until I was legitimately hungry in the evening. Crazy. So, top on my list of things to do - figure out how to remain as low stress as possible at work.
HAH. that's gonna go over real well.... especially with 4th quarter just around the corner, holiday hiring events already under way, another round of inventory in a few weeks, and STILL trying to get my office straightened out/compliant/adjusted to such a smaller team/store... I get heartburn just thinking about it. LAME. So, keep my throat in your prayers.
No specific cravings, just the desire to eat food and eat food often. Talking about food pretty much makes my eyes get really really big! kinda ridiculous.
My brain/memory is pretty much non functional at this point... I am like the epitome of A.D.D... I just walked back from the kitchen and was going to write about something else and forgot as soon as I sat down. Thanks, baby, thanks so much! HAHAH!
Anyways... it's snack time. Peace outside.
OH YEAH! Just remembered. Super ecstatic that I won't be in my final trimester in the midst of the summer. I haven't enjoyed the past few weeks of heat. Generating heat for two and not having central air is most definitely NOT a great combination. Can't wait for the cold nights when I might actually want to have a sheet covering me while I attempt to sleep. Speaking of sleep... starting to not be as comfortable when it comes to sleeping. Cannot WAIT for my new pillow to arrive! Patrick bought me the "snoogie" maternity pillow. I am through the roof EXCITED for this pillow. I have a "boppy" courtesy of Susan that I have slept with for nearly a month and that has been a GOD-SEND so I can't wait for how much more comfy life will be after my snoogie arrives!
This song by Florence + The Machine has pretty much been my anthem for the past 5 weeks. I've got some news. And, if you haven't caught the drift yet, well, MY dog days are OVER! God has blessed us once again!
Our bundle of joy is due to arrive January 22nd and we cannot wait!
I've been writing this post for a little while now.... We've done our best to keep a lid on shouting from the rooftops. I started this entry a month ago:
May 20th: We've known almost a week now. Patrick has been glued to this old baby names book with the exception of the past few nights he's been studying for another class for his certification. I've had a couple mild bouts of nausea (which I'm completely thrilled about after they pass, but not so lovin 'em in the midst!) I'm ridiculously tired... sleeping 8-9 deep hours of sleep every night with a nap thrown into the mix as well. I knew something was up when my usual PMS-cranky self didn't appear and neither did my greasy food cravings. Instead.... smoothies have been after my heart.... many delicious berry smoothies with fro-yo. I'm not your typical health-kick kinda girl.... so I figured something was up. Boy, was I right! I tested early, but the results were not positive, so I figured this would just be a randomly low pms kinda cycle. Two days late and I tested again - this time the test came up POSITIVE! I have had this mix of pure thrill and anxiety at the same time. Anxiety that this won't last again. I've been praying constantly. Praying to keep this baby. Praying for health. Constantly. It's funny how life works out sometimes. The other day I was saying goodbye to a few of the managers and one said out of the blue, "Danielle, I feel like we need to have a baby shower for you soon." I don't know how I managed to not shout my good news. I did my best to brush it off casually and asked for happy thoughts and good mo-jo towards my tummy. I denied that I was currently pregnant. Today, one of our associates looked at me and declared that I was glowing and she wanted to know what good news I had recently received. I again brushed it off as casually as possible and proclaimed it was because I finally had the new filing cabinets in the office. (for those that don't know, I do have a bit of an affinity for office supplies.....)
June 17th: O.M.G. What a rollercoaster this has been. Especially the last two weeks. The nausea... oh the nausea. Not my friend at all! I don't handle getting physically sick well and add in ridiculous hormones.... not so much a good mix at all these days. We had our first pre-natal visit Wednesday and our first ultrasound yesterday. We were originally going to wait until our second pre-natal before we shared with the world, but, after hearing our baby's heart beat - I truly don't know how we can contain this excitement! This tiny human has this amazingly strong heart already - 175 beats per minute! We won't be in the clear for a few more weeks, so lots of prayers are still being had. Our "wolf-pack" has grown exponentially as we have started telling extended family and the closest of our friends. Welcome to the Baby Bailey Wolf Pack!
I've been thinking about this post for a while... but I struggled with titles and with content. I started writing a few times, but ended up erasing everything because I ended up taking it to a place full of anger and deep pain. Which, well, Patrick said I have a history of doing with my previous blog. And I don't necessarily want this one to end up down that road on a consistent basis. Every once in a while, it is a road that will be traveled on though. At least this go around, I will try my best to take a step back before I actually post. The few blogs I had written but not posted would have taken me to a place that I can't take back. Not exactly what I want. So here goes. What in the heck have I been up to since September???
So very much has happened. And continues to happen. I wish I could say that I am getting used to huge drama messes but sadly I am not. Just when I think that life is on the up and up - something ends up happening. Not necessarily to me or to Patrick... well, not directly. That sounds bad. I mean, although crap hasn't happened to either one of us directly, drama and sucky periods of life seem to keep happening to those around us.
Part of me wants to say that we are once again on the up and up and that I am prepared for another hit of insanity. But the truth is, I don't want to deal with any more insanity. I don't want to deal with any more pain, either my own or pain those close to me feel. I feel as though we have experienced enough of it to last a life time.
Back to what I have been thinking about today... and what has sort of been on my mind. My beautiful letdown. The baby front.
Each month of trying has brought days of pain, frustration, stress, and anxiety. This business of literally attempting to create life instead of happening upon it is incredibly stressful. I've been reading. Which hasn't helped. I feel like I know more about my reproductive system than I should. And yet, it hasn't helped. Knowing what happens and when it happens and what that means doesn't help. I've been trying to figure out how to describe what I go through each month - which brought me to my tiny epiphany today. Each month is its own beautiful letdown. I was thinking it was a rollercoaster... but rollercoasters are exhilarating - they take you on this suspense filled journey up and when you reach the top and begin that descent, you let out this scream of excitement as you realize everything is ok. A rollercoaster is not what I can describe as my journey towards motherhood. Maybe the month everything works out and the stick says "pregnant" instead of "not pregnant" I will use the term "rollercoaster ride". But until then, this is my beautiful letdown.
Each month has been beautiful in its own way. I am feeling more and more accepting of my miscarriage (attempting to at least!). This journey continues to be anxiety ridden and yet beautiful. And each month has ended with its own letdown - negative pee sticks and that obnoxious visit from "aunt flo" (overshare? too bad.). This last letdown made me realize this whole thing is way too stressful and upsetting. So I made a decision. No more watching the calendar and figuring out that ever elusive ovulation time. No more being so neurotic and testing because I "have a feeling" that THIS was the month magic happened and that I don't have a hostile womb (my latest self-assumption as to why we haven't conceived yet).
Here is my advice to the world - to the ladies who have miscarried and are trying to conceive again: Don't read the books. Don't over-analyze your diet. Stop preventing yourself from enjoying life by constantly thinking about all things baby and conceiving. Enjoy the process - the art of conceiving. As my great gram recently told me - have fun while you can because once the baby comes, everything changes. Stop reading the books. I know I already said that, but seriously just put them down. Hide them behind the tabloid magazines that are way more entertaining (and don't cause stress and anxiety).
Other life news? While my womb has yet to be fruitful again, others around me are on their own journeys to motherhood. My sister Carrie is expecting - I'm hoping she is having a girl. As fun as Sam (my nephew) is, a baby girl would be way fun since I constantly drool over all the ridiculously cute dresses and outfits. My dearest friend, Jenna is due the same week as Carrie. Two girls from Bible study and two others from my family are also expecting. I would love to know where they all got their water and why they haven't shared.
Patrick's bro went through a divorce - not a fun period - not recommended. As crappy as those months were, all is well now.
Work is work. What else is new?
Got a gorgeous new tv and surround sound. Yes, I just described inanimate objects as gorgeous. Get over it. I'm a girl in love with how amazing they are.
We are going to Hawaii in a little over two months - cannot wait!
It has been a while. Over a month - who knew time was gonna fly so fast?
A few weeks ago, we attended our first wedding since ours last year. Being married and attending a wedding is COMPLETELY different than when you attend single/unmarried. Who knew? Instead of sitting and dreaming of a wedding and marriage in the future, you sit and reflect and cherish your own ceremony and relationship.
The other added bonus is that when married and attending weddings, you truly know what the joy you see on their faces feels like. You don't ponder and dream about how it may feel, you KNOW how it feels. You remember the tears you shed while you were standing before family and friends while you exchanged vows and rings. Watching that exchange brings back your own memories and that cheesy hand or knee squeeze happens while you turn to give your spouse that knowing, loving smile - and he returns it to you.
I've always cherished the small things in life. The small moments. The ones that you wouldn't necessarily think would become that monumental, turn out to be the memories that continue to pass through your mind and provide comfort in times of need and true appreciation when all is well. One of my favorite moments is from the day Patrick proposed to me - and while the proposal itself is so beautiful and memorable, the moped ride across the island after is truly grounding for me. When life's stress comes my way (sometimes more frequently than I think necessary) I think back on that day - how I felt in that moment when it was just the two of us on the winding roads - the peaceful calm and sheer excitement - the knowing feeling that this sort of thing just doesn't happen every day - you realize you are part of an elite club, the ones lucky enough to find that person that completes you, makes you feel whole.
The past few months have been months of immense growth for me. And I didn't even realize it was happening. I have gained a new outlook on life in a way. No longer am I making decisions about what I want or what Patrick and I think should be done - I have become more forward thinking. I guess that's the best way to put it. And not that I wasn't thinking about the future with anything that I have done thus far, now this forward thinking is making bigger impacts. When facing opportunity, I'm not thinking about where it will take me personally or us financially, I'm focused on the impact it will have on our future family - and is it a place I ultimately want to deal with? Is it a stepping stone worth stepping on? And in some cases, that answer is no.
Almost 6am. Still wide awake. I did overnight inventory. Started work at 8pm, signed out at 5am. WIDE AWAKE right now... and to be perfectly honest---- kinda loopy too.
So what does one do at this hour? Well, breakfast, for one. I had a little bit of peaches and cottage cheese.... French toast is sounding all kinds of delicious and I will be making some in a few. What else to do? Why watch the most hysterical movie ever - The Hangover! HAH! LOVE THIS MOVIE! I am trying ever so hard to keep the volume to a low roar and keep the laughing out loud to a minimum. But I can't make any promises on follow-through!
The sun is starting to come up. It was dark when I was driving home. Now? Now it is getting brighter outside.
I feel kinda ridiculous and completely lame that I'm watching this movie by myself and laughing uncontrollably. Alone. Well. Does Macy count? I think she does. She is wide awake with me. Not so sure what the appeal is, but whatever. What can you do when you can't sleep?
The good news about being awake right now could also be that since it is moderately cooler outside, I am helping our house out and have the windows and door open to freshen this place up!
I can tell already that this afternoon is shaping up to be a difficult one. We've got not one but two family functions to hit up. First stop: my padre's house for a BBQ for my grandma's birthday. Second stop: Downtown P-Town for a delicious dinner for Patrick's grandpa's 90th birthday celebration! After dinner, I'm sure we will be hanging out with his extended family some more - they're in town from So-Cal, so lots of catching up and laughter is to be had.
And then work at 8am Monday morning. Not quite sure when I will get much sleep beyond "nap" status until late tomorrow night.
Hmm.... my brain is pretty much mushy now. oh well.
We FINALLY got the gloriously good news we have been waiting ever so impatiently for! My doc called Saturday with news that my hormones are finally negative- this miscarry from hell is finally complete! YAY!
Talk about timing too, we were getting ready to celebrate my birthday (a night early, but who cares?)
I made a delicious dinner - marinated flank steak grilled on the bbq and a yummy caprese pasta salad. Yum-Yum! Patrick surprised me with flowers (red roses and stargazer lilies), a yummy lemon birthday cake and a beautiful card. He's such a sweetheart- I really lucked out with him. Tyler and Jenna brought over a cute cupcake just for me and supplies for the night. Crystal came prepared as well. Niki brought delicious brownies that I didn't enjoy until today (thank you!). Really beautiful cards too, I always try to find a card that fits the occasion and some how resonates with me or the relationship--- all the cards I've gotten this year have really been amazing.
So how did I spend this quarter-century birthday of mine? Well, the actual day was pretty uneventful- which oddly enough, I really really enjoyed. Saturday night was a blast, a great time unwinding and just having some good ol' fun. Sunday, the actual birthday, was incredibly peaceful. I woke up crazy early (like 7:30, which I find totally ridiculous since I was up late). I made myself (and Patrick too) a fabulous breakfast - homemade baking powder biscuits and sausage gravy- (don't judge my not-so-healthy breakfast ways). A truly wonderful day - complete with not one, but TWO naps.
Life can get hectic, so it is always greatly appreciated when I can truly just relax. I really needed yesterday.
Our kitty spent practically the entire day napping too.... something about all of us keeping her up late, totally screwed up her schedule. She's more dog-like than cat-like. Incredibly needy. Runs through the house at full speed for no reason. Comes running when you call her. Plays with you like a dog would play with you. More recently- she has started doing that whiny, begging for people food, staring at you while you are eating thing. I partially blame Patrick because he has tried to share his food with her.... much to my protesting. It has always been my experience with cats that they enjoy a little ice cream. When I was growing up, we would let our cat lick our ice cream bowls. Macy? Not so much into the ice cream scene- more evidence that she thinks she's a dog. If you happen to open our freezer and get ice out, you have to make sure you drop an ice cube for her. She has this intriguing infatuation with ice cubes. Bats them around until they have disappeared - one of our forms of entertainment...
I can't wait to see how she is around a baby. That should be interesting.
We are in the official three month countdown until I can try to get pregnant again--- I can't wait.
