The Beautiful Letdown

The beautiful letdown.

I've been thinking about this post for a while... but I struggled with titles and with content. I started writing a few times, but ended up erasing everything because I ended up taking it to a place full of anger and deep pain. Which, well, Patrick said I have a history of doing with my previous blog. And I don't necessarily want this one to end up down that road on a consistent basis. Every once in a while, it is a road that will be traveled on though. At least this go around, I will try my best to take a step back before I actually post. The few blogs I had written but not posted would have taken me to a place that I can't take back. Not exactly what I want. So here goes. What in the heck have I been up to since September???

So very much has happened. And continues to happen. I wish I could say that I am getting used to huge drama messes but sadly I am not. Just when I think that life is on the up and up - something ends up happening. Not necessarily to me or to Patrick... well, not directly. That sounds bad. I mean, although crap hasn't happened to either one of us directly, drama and sucky periods of life seem to keep happening to those around us.

Part of me wants to say that we are once again on the up and up and that I am prepared for another hit of insanity. But the truth is, I don't want to deal with any more insanity. I don't want to deal with any more pain, either my own or pain those close to me feel. I feel as though we have experienced enough of it to last a life time.

Back to what I have been thinking about today... and what has sort of been on my mind. My beautiful letdown. The baby front.

Each month of trying has brought days of pain, frustration, stress, and anxiety. This business of literally attempting to create life instead of happening upon it is incredibly stressful. I've been reading. Which hasn't helped. I feel like I know more about my reproductive system than I should. And yet, it hasn't helped. Knowing what happens and when it happens and what that means doesn't help. I've been trying to figure out how to describe what I go through each month - which brought me to my tiny epiphany today. Each month is its own beautiful letdown. I was thinking it was a rollercoaster... but rollercoasters are exhilarating - they take you on this suspense filled journey up and when you reach the top and begin that descent, you let out this scream of excitement as you realize everything is ok. A rollercoaster is not what I can describe as my journey towards motherhood. Maybe the month everything works out and the stick says "pregnant" instead of "not pregnant" I will use the term "rollercoaster ride". But until then, this is my beautiful letdown.

Each month has been beautiful in its own way. I am feeling more and more accepting of my miscarriage (attempting to at least!). This journey continues to be anxiety ridden and yet beautiful. And each month has ended with its own letdown - negative pee sticks and that obnoxious visit from "aunt flo" (overshare? too bad.). This last letdown made me realize this whole thing is way too stressful and upsetting. So I made a decision. No more watching the calendar and figuring out that ever elusive ovulation time. No more being so neurotic and testing because I "have a feeling" that THIS was the month magic happened and that I don't have a hostile womb (my latest self-assumption as to why we haven't conceived yet).

Here is my advice to the world - to the ladies who have miscarried and are trying to conceive again: Don't read the books. Don't over-analyze your diet. Stop preventing yourself from enjoying life by constantly thinking about all things baby and conceiving. Enjoy the process - the art of conceiving. As my great gram recently told me - have fun while you can because once the baby comes, everything changes. Stop reading the books. I know I already said that, but seriously just put them down. Hide them behind the tabloid magazines that are way more entertaining (and don't cause stress and anxiety).

Other life news? While my womb has yet to be fruitful again, others around me are on their own journeys to motherhood. My sister Carrie is expecting - I'm hoping she is having a girl. As fun as Sam (my nephew) is, a baby girl would be way fun since I constantly drool over all the ridiculously cute dresses and outfits. My dearest friend, Jenna is due the same week as Carrie. Two girls from Bible study and two others from my family are also expecting. I would love to know where they all got their water and why they haven't shared.

Patrick's bro went through a divorce - not a fun period - not recommended. As crappy as those months were, all is well now.

Work is work. What else is new?

Got a gorgeous new tv and surround sound. Yes, I just described inanimate objects as gorgeous. Get over it. I'm a girl in love with how amazing they are.

We are going to Hawaii in a little over two months - cannot wait!

Stay tuned for more of my life -