Never Say Never

What a day. Somehow I managed to read my schedule wrong. So I ended up a little over an hour late. Whoa buddy. Not good.

Got caught up (or so I thought). And then? Well. You all know how it goes. Things go crazy! And that is just how life goes.

Sometimes, you think you are on the right path and then BAM! Smack in the face and a big fat HAH! GOTCHA! Some days it is a pure miracle that we manage to hold ourselves together and pull through, albeit battered and bruised (whether physically, mentally, or emotionally). But, that's life.

Patrick thinks I get too dramatic about the chaos that can erupt on a pretty much regular basis. However.... this is coming from the guy who spends most of his days in his mobile office - his car - ALONE. Most of his interactions come by way of email or phone. And only one phone line at that. And, he's got pretty much like three people from his office that feed things into his day-to-day work.

Me? Well. I don't intend to blog about work much. But a little window into my days might just show "wassup" So where to begin? My official title is "Administrative Support Team" associate/lead. However, most may assume that I am simply just an office assistant. And that, dear friends, is the beginning of the demise of any understanding outsiders may believe they have.

My comical description of just what I do is a combination of "office b*tch" (not in the sense of "Danielle, you are the office b*tch" - I'm talking the "holy crap you do everything") with a little "if we aren't there, the store will fall apart" (no joke, by the way).

I don't just provide HR support... or just cash support... or just operations support... or just answer phones (I've lost track of the actual number of extensions we are responsible for at any given moment). We do everything.

Elevator stuck? We call it in. Escalator broken (what else is new?)? We call it in. The escalator stopped, you said? We run to turn it back on. You're with FedEx or UPS and have a delivery? Fabulous, I will send someone your way. Thank you for coming to an interview today, I'll call your interviewing manager to see if they can come earlier since you got here 20 minutes early. Oh, you're from FedEx/UPS and STILL waiting, sorry, I promise I will get someone for you. (call the world... all busy... who runs to sign? we do) You are looking for "Lost & Found", what did you lose? You lost your keys? Can you describe them for me? A house key and car key? What kind of car key? A normal house key, you say? Do you have a clicker? Oh, you do? So what kind of car key is it then? A Honda, Ford, (begging for some sort of description)?? Ohh, ok, you lost your Lexus key that has a heart keychain with a picture of your dog. THANK YOU! Hold on while I go search for it. (seriously people, if you lose your stuff, PLEASE know what the heck it looks like and give a blasted description already! We don't read minds)

"Where's your customer service?" Sorry, we don't have a traditional customer service area, did you need to pay your bill? "Yes, but I've got a question, I don't know my balance" Oh, no worries, all of our associates at ANY register can pull your current balance and process payments super fast. "Really?" Yes. "Where?" ANY register. ANY REGISTER. "Excuse me, I've got a question about this bill, can you tell me all my purchases?" I'm sorry m'am, but for your credit protection we don't have access to view any details of your account, our associates are only able to pull an account balance and process payments. "Oh, well alright, here's my payment" Sorry, but we can't process payments here in the office, we don't have a register. (this is when the customer starts staring at our computer, like they don't believe it won't take their money). "Oh, well what happened to your gift wrap area? Am I in the wrong area?" No, sir, it has been closed since MARCH, we relocated the self-serve to Luggage.

Oh, you need someone paged, what's the name? Can you say that again? Thank you. Wait, don't hang up yet, where am I paging this person to? Got it. "Good Afternoon Macy's Shoppers, will Jane Doe please return to xyz department, JANE DOE please return to XYZ, thank you!" Meanwhile, three other lines have been ringing and I still haven't gotten my project that has now been sitting on my desk for over an hour and is now buried by whatever else has been dropped off on top of it.

Throw in preparing for the weekly meeting, the monthly visit... and the latest - toss in a little INSANITY trying to prep for not just one audit, but two! You say xyz documents need locked up at all times? Well, crap, that lock is broken, we don't have keys to that cabinet, OH JOY this lock does work! SWEET, let me get right on that and move it immediately! The keys can't just sit in the desk while I'm there? I don't have any more keyring bungees. CRAP. The lock broke on the drawer that worked. CRAP. Only one filing cabinet for everything? CRAP.

Now you've got a little tidbit and I stress TIDBIT of what I do every day! ALWAYS busy, always something to do. Always a project on the verge of completion that never quite gets done. Did your blood pressure rise? Sorry! Just breathe. Calm yourself. Get a chocolate bar. Get a scoop of ice cream. Make yourself an orange cream soda ice cream float. Pull your blender out, fill it with ice, dump a little margarita mix in and some good tequila. Blend it up. And drink it's yummy goodness.

Never say never. Cuz when you do, all hell will break loose and God will shake his fist at you and teach you a lesson. A lesson about managing to survive when everything around you gets a little crazy.

Hello, Good Morning

Moving right along. I hopefully have just one blood test left. Damn hormones are taking A MILLION YEARS to drop down to zero. I thought last week would be the last one.... apparently not. So. This Friday should bring the glorious ZERO we need so we can stop being in this limbo!

The bridal boutique I bought my dress at sent an anniversary card. Incredibly thoughtful! I didn't think I would hear from them after the wedding last year. Who knew? So if any girls out there are still dress shopping or have a friend of a friend--- get yourselves an appointment with Charlotte's Weddings & More in Beaverton! Great selection and really thoughtful consultants.

We went camping last weekend in Central Oregon. Had a blast! Came home burnt to a crisp and bitten by tons of bugs, but had tons of fun! The itching from the bug bites is pretty much gone (thankfully!) and the burn? Ah, the burn.... next time I will listen when the doctors supply me with information about how the drugs they give me can affect my body and skin exposure. Never in my life have I burned like I burned last weekend! My poor face swelled a bit.... that was awkward! Started out in my forehead and then gravity moved it south slowly... At first I looked like a klignon from Star Trek (minus the huge wrinkles) .... no joke. When it moved around the top of my nose and eyes... then I started looking like that lady that is addicted to plastic surgery. Thankfully the puffiness has gone away completely!

The other thing I have learned? Don't peel a sunburn too early! Boy have I learned this lesson! I made my chest a bit raw. Not so nice and ridiculously painful. Almost healed up now from it. Almost.

I got a nice tan though!

I have started my Jillian Michaels workout.... bought her 30-Day Shred dvd. I watched it last night so I was acutely aware of what I was getting myself into. Just watching it, I knew I would be in for it. Twenty minutes of intensity. That's all it is. Just 20 minutes! I hate to admit that I couldn't even do the entire thing... had to keep stopping momentarily to get a drink of water and attempt to catch my breath! If you are a lazy bum like I have been, you feel the burn instantly! This is going to be well worth my $10 investment from Target! (plus hand weights)

I will get this body whipped into better shape! We've got 3 weddings to go to in the next two months and I need to find a new dress for these occasions! And, hopefully dropping my pudge will help out with the next pregnancy! What better motivation???

By the way.... I've had the song "Hello, Good Morning" by Diddy & Dirty Money pretty much stuck in my head since Saturday night. It provided good background music to my work out today!

Twenty-Four

For those of you that aren't already aware, music is something I find solace in. I am no singer and definitely not a talented musician. I enjoy the listening part. And I most definitely enjoy the lyrics that musicians write so beautifully. With the exception of my first post, my blog titles are and will continue to be song titles. Sometimes I may just use the song title simply because it happens to coincide with how I am feeling or the general focus of my writing. Other times, the song title may not be as obvious, such as today's. For the titles that aren't as obvious, the lyrics within the song are where the heart of my current mood and/or thoughts are taking me.

Today's choice is "Twenty-Four" by my most favorite band in the world, Switchfoot. As far as lyrics go and as far as I'm concerned, Jon Foreman (the lead singer) is a bit of a lyrical genius. He wrote this song on the eve of his 25th birthday. Out of all of Switchfoot's songs, this one is probably the one that resonates with me the most, and most often. Depending on the situation, this song is uplifting and healing. Sometimes certain lines hit home more than others and sometimes the song in its entirety reflects my current realities. If you are so inclined with curiosity to have a peak into my head, here is a link to youtube for a listen to the song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OLagfciU_PU

Life is moving along, however ridiculously slow at times. Some days are harder than others, usually the ones where I see someone's beautiful baby or the ones that I have to start off with a trip to the lab to get more blood drawn. I am seriously starting to believe that one should qualify for frequent flier miles when you recognize all the lab techs and they start recognizing you. I have my moments where I just want to forget this whole sordid situation, but I have to remind myself that I would be completely off-base and out of touch with reality.... and just not human. To forget what has happened would make me a robot. To not feel any pain would make me a robot.

I am not a robot.

However, I look forward to the day that I will find joy in looking at cute babies and adorable children and not feel so much sadness in my heart. I know that day is coming, but for now, please continue to bare with me while I try to avoid such situations. I'm finding it easier to share my situation. At first, I didn't know how to tell much of anyone beyond my tight circle of family and closest of friends. I contribute my lack of sharing in part to my discomfort with accepting what was and is happening.

After the little bit of time that has passed and the support from family and friends (and old friends), I feel as though I have begun to heal. Others sharing their own incredibly personal stories has helped me recognize that this didn't happen because I did something wrong or that there is something wrong with me. This happens because of completely uncontrollable circumstances, and at no matter what stage, is still incredibly emotionally painful. Being pregnant is almost similar to that "near death" experience where your life flashes before your eyes, only in slow motion. You come to this realization of what really matters and what you want to protect most. You dream. You dream of health and happiness. And the life you want to build.

So when that ends - a piece of your heart goes with it. One of my old high school friends wrote to me about how she has been coping with her own situation and she reminded me that our baby is in a better place, Heaven. We weren't able to meet our babies here on earth, but we will in Heaven. I find comfort in this.

Patrick recently read, or rather listened to, Sarah Palin's book - Going Rogue. He told me the other day that he wanted me to listen to an excerpt he had heard earlier that day. I thought it would be some quirky Palin-esque response to some situation she had on the campaign trail. Instead, he had me listen to her poignant sharing of her own personal miscarriage. She talked of her joy and excitement, and then of her sorrow. It was somber and yet beautifully told.

We as women do not seem to share this amongst one another unless we hear of this tragedy. When we experience it, we believe ourselves to be alone during it, as though no one else around us has gone through it. Yet as we begin to tell our families and friends, others begin sharing their sadness. Why? Why do we choose to not share until someone else goes through it? We share our trials and tribulations with cramps, bloating, mood swings, and chocolate cravings, so why not miscarriage? I realize how incredibly personal it is, but so are our monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'.

At times I have felt like I shouldn't talk about it, but with this happening to so many people, why should I sit quietly with this pain and only share it with my closest loved ones? Don't get me wrong though, I won't be going on national tv to talk about it, but I don't plan to hide it or forget that it has happened. That's not how I roll. But talking and sharing helps. It has been a great coping mechanism. I may not always want to talk about it, but I will have my moments and I will have my periods of reflection and sorrow. Remember - I'm only human. I am no robot.

I remind myself that tomorrow is another day, which will bring along another, and so on. Each day will bring more hope and healing, and each new day will bring us closer to another chance to be blessed with our own healthy, beautiful, bundle of joy.

Today Was A Fairytale

One year anniversary TODAY!

Breakfast in bed for my husband - chocolate/peanut butter chip waffles sprinkled with a little bit of powdered sugar, scrambled eggs, and a refreshing glass of apple juice! Yum!

The plan for our big one year? Keeping it low-key. We are headed to the beach - Seaside to be more specific. Hang out for a couple hours on the beach, soak up a little sun (don't tell my doctor!), walk around the souvenir shops, eat a delicious dinner out, come home and enjoy another slice of our anniversary cake! (we cut into it last night! Beaverton Bakery is amazing!)

Speaking of our cake. When we were trying to figure out the design, I had come across this Zippo lighter advertisement in one of my MANY wedding magazines. The backdrop of the ad was this beautiful scroll design from this cake, but you didn't actually see the cake, just the frosting. So we pulled certain aspects of the design and morphed it into something unique to us. Our cake design is officially famous at the bakery! We are the "zippo lighter cake"! The decorators still remember our cake a year later - which we are quite proud of since they make a couple thousand cakes a year. We ended up using design elements from the ad for everything - invitations, programs, favors, the placecards.

Looking through all our pictures, we sure had a blast last year! I'm thinking we should throw a big party like that again, only no big poofy dress!

Enjoy this sunshine today!

Our First Year

Tomorrow marks the big "One Year" anniversary. It's crazy to think that literally at this time last year, I was frantically stripping roses of their thorns and leaves as I prepped and put together all the flowers. My biggest stress was trying to get everything done "just right" so that everything looked "perfect" for our wedding. Well, about 12 hours later and a few glasses of wine later, I threw out all inhibitions about the flowers looking "perfect" so to speak. The last night of my single life, I laughed and forgot about caring how 'perfect' everything 'needed' to be. That night became one of my many lessons on learning to just 'let things be'. Getting married wasn't about the dress, the shoes, the rings, the flowers, or any quirky aspects of the bridesmaid bouquets.

Getting married was about the commitment before God, our families and friends, and to each other. So much of that day is a blur. The more vivid memories still bring a smile to my face and one of those tears of joy in my eyes. I am thrilled that we will finally get to enjoy our cake tomorrow. Well, not the original, a recreation is in order.

This has been a fast paced and slow paced year. Doesn't quite go together, huh? Our honeymoon felt so much longer than just a week, while the first few months just disappeared. When you are getting ready to get married, so many people, books, and articles tell you how your first year is always the toughest or roughest. Two months ago, I would have told you this was a dirty lie as far as our marriage is concerned.

We had probably one of the hardest two year engagements. A month into our engagement, my dad separated from my step-mom, the following spring they were divorced. Roughly eight months before the wedding, we lost one of my grandpas. A month after that we lost one of my grandmas. Literally on the six month countdown mark, we were sitting in my grandma's church at the end of her memorial service when someone started playing "Only Hope". That song instantly brought tears to my eyes because it was the song I would be walking down the aisle to, and grandma wouldn't be there to see it. Aside from the losses I was trying to cope with, trying to plan a large event brought along a fair share of tumultuous days of bickering about the most mundane of things.

But I remind you: I said two months ago I would have said the first year is not the hardest. Probably the only thing that brought any real 'fights' was the topic of children and when to start having them. They weren't even real fights, just the only discussion we didn't see eye to eye on whenever it ended. Three months ago, after one of the discussions, we finally came to an agreement: we would stop trying to analyze every aspect of the topic and we would put our trust in God. We would 'let it be' and if we were blessed to get pregnant, it wouldn't be because one of us wanted it more than the other or one felt pressure from the other. A new sense of togetherness came from putting our trust in God.

Six weeks ago we found out I was pregnant. The sheer joy and elation we felt put us on the moon. We couldn't wait to tell our families and friends. I was naive enough to think that since I hadn't had any reproductive problems before, I wouldn't now, so why wait for the end of the first trimester? We were settling in nicely to preparing our home, ourselves, and my body in particular. We checked out tons of books from the library, wandered through the baby stores, and surfed the web for all things baby. As pregnant hormones go, I was an emotional rollercoaster. One minute laughing, the next crying, I even had an episode of hysterical crying and laughing at the same time because I realized how ridiculous the whole situation was I happened to be upset about. The heartburn sucked. Nothing helped it. But that seemed to be my only issue. No nausea, no morning sickness. There went my naivety up a few notches thinking I would have an easy pregnancy.

A little over three weeks ago, my world turned upside down. A trip to the immediate care center near my house brought about blood tests and an ultrasound. The following day came impersonal phone calls from my doctor's office reporting my hormones were low, too low for how far along I was. And the ultrasound. "No sign of pregnancy." Those were the words from the medical assistant over the phone. She said it could just be from how low my hormones were.

More bloodwork ordered. No doubling in hormones occurred, which should have. Confusion. An exam scheduled. More bloodwork. Hormones nearly doubled. Another ultrasound. No sign of ectopic but still not showing any pregnancy because my hormones were still too low. Tissue sample taken and tested. Results came back that it was just uterine lining, still no idea what was going on. Another blood test. Hormones dropped. Call from my doctor. Definitive miscarriage.

I was driving to work. Literally, on the on-ramp to I-5. I was alone. Patrick was in Bend. I didn't know what to do. Tears welled up in my eyes. And then it overcame me, the balling, the uncontrollable stream of tears blurring my vision as I pulled into the employee parking lot. Frantically called Patrick to tell him our incredibly awful news. Tried to call my HR manager, no answer. Tried calling my supervisor. No answer. Called my front desk, sobbing and barely getting anything intelligible out. My co-worker came running to the parking lot, finding my supervisor along the way. I somehow pulled myself together, got the tears to stop and my breathing back to somewhat normal. I wouldn't be working that day.

As I headed out of the parking lot, I called my mom and begged her to come to my house. I managed to burst into hysterics again. How I got home safe and didn't cause a wreck is beyond me.

A week later brought about another blood test. Gotta check to see how much further the hormones have dropped. Following morning, I got a call from the doctor's office again. My hormones hadn't dropped. Another appointment scheduled. I knew in the pit of my stomach this couldn't be good. The doctor came in and said I was a mystery. My hormones had jumped back up. This wasn't a good sign. Two options: a D&C or a shot traditionally given to cancer patients. I went the non-invasive route - the shot. I had my lab order in hand and made the mistake of reading it. "Incomplete Abortion". Really? Like I chose this? Like I even believe in abortion? They couldn't write "incomplete miscarriage"? Since the shot, more blood tests. Hormones are finally dropping off properly. Emotions are still all over. But I am healthy.

And that, my friends, closes up our first year of marriage. We are now in this waiting pattern to know when I will have the 'all clear' message from the doctor. The one thing we have discovered from this whole tragic experience is that we don't want to wait anymore. Before we found out I was pregnant, we were in the mindset that if it happened, we would be ready. Now, we are ready. We want this more than we thought we had before. And now, now we literally have to wait.

Stay tuned for more. I promise this won't be all dark and tragic. I have a husband who brings a smile to my face, whether he's dressed all spiffy and clean shaven or when he's just woken up and still has that disheveled look with parts of his hair sticking straight up. He's my rock.