I'm anxious about the whole process. Ugh. I'm going to miss my little man each day... miss playing with him... listening to him babble at his toys and seeing his incredibly beautiful smile all day long. I have to figure out how to squeeze every minute I can into being with him while he's awake. I'm feeling very territorial about the whole thing. I didn't think I would to this level.
People ask if I can handle being away from him and I can - I haven't had that stereotypical nervousness about leaving him even for a few hours - I haven't felt the need to call to check on him because I'm confident that he is perfectly content. My anxiety about my return to work is simply me. How will I handle it?
When the expected daily stress mounts and people start freaking out about something that has been deemed critical - how will I curb my urge to not walk away from it or not scream there are much more important things in life? I think that's where my biggest struggle is - knowing there is so much more to life than my job and not understanding why people feel it is necessary to put so much stress on work and imply that it is the most important thing that must be done in life. Seriously world. Get a hold of yourself!
So....
What have I been up to these past 3 months?
Life as a first time mom... with a case of post partum depression. Joseph is positively the most miraculous part of my life thus far. He has been rolling over from his tummy to his back since he was 3 weeks old. Yes, you read that right THREE WEEKS OLD! And... he rolled from his back to his tummy a little over 3 weeks ago (he has yet to repeat this fun move yet, which I'm completely fine with!). He is so incredibly strong, and alert, and curious... and just downright amazing... not to mention just the most adorable little man ever. He's my tiny human. So what's my problem, you're probably wondering?
So much. That's what! You see, I'm a planner. I like to know what is going to happen and I like to have control of what happens around me. As Patrick and I were preparing our home for Joseph's arrival, we knew our world would change once he made his debut. We knew we would sleep less and that we would have a different life. I knew this was going to be hard.
But I had NO IDEA just how hard and just how much I would be impacted by it. Labor? I was banking on a relatively fast labor and delivery since all the women in my family practically shoot their babies out once their water breaks. 30+ hours.... pretty sure it's a record for my side of the family... and one that won't ever be broken by any of them. Now, those 30 hours were relatively smooth. But I wasn't prepared for over 30 hours of labor.
The first few days and breastfeeding? Well. Incredibly painful. And emotional. And completely heartbreaking when my milk took longer to come in and Joseph was so hungry we couldn't get him to stop hysterically crying. I knew it would be hard breastfeeding in the beginning but I figured we would get in the groove fast and it would all smooth out. HAH. So wrong. I didn't want to have to supplement him with formula. I felt like I was failing him already even though I knew I didn't have control on the timeline of when my milk would be at the supply he needed.
New parent exhaustion? Exhaustion doesn't even begin to describe what you feel. I knew I needed to sleep when he slept... but trying to do that when he was eating every 2 hours? And it wasn't every 2 hours from when he was finished eating or when I couldn't stand the pain and made him stop... it was every 2 hours from when he STARTED eating. So... breastfeeding for 30-45 minutes and then trying to sleep once he went to sleep? Doesn't work like that.
That whole day/night "confusion" that babies have? How about colic? Near constant diaper changing, cleaning up spit-up. Soothing. Attempting to deal with his nightly hysterics that would last for a few hours. Trying to sleep while rocking him. Getting so frustrated that he won't sleep, that he won't calm down, that you can't sleep.
Feeling so isolated even though you are surrounded by a huge, loving family that is more than willing to help. Feeling alone. So incredibly alone. And exhausted.
Not getting anything to eat until 3pm every day, let alone go to the bathroom. Lucky to shower every few days. And constantly feeling like a complete failure and wondering why on earth I thought I was ready to be a mother. Having your husband look you in the eyes and with so much concern as he utters the words "I'm worried about you" on a regular basis and having him have to take your screaming baby out of your arms because you can't stop crying either.
Add it all together and I am one hot mess. It took me a long time to realize I needed help. A long time to accept help. I literally spent an entire day sitting on our couch with tears streaming down my face and having this complete feeling of emptiness. I shut down completely. Luckily we had my 6 week post partum check-up the next day. After a sobering conversation about what I was experiencing, we left with resources and a prescription.
This bumpy and windy dark road has slowly smoothed and straightened out and gotten a little brighter. I have gone from not wanting anyone else to know what is really going on to being okay that people know. I didn't want anyone to know at first because I didn't want anyone to look at me differently and constantly ask how I'm doing or how I'm feeling. People ask "how are you doing" differently when they know something really is wrong. I still don't like being asked how I'm doing. I'm here. I'm awake. I've showered today. I'm generally not okay all the time. This isn't something that I want to talk about all the time, or even every once in a while. There's still a part of me that doesn't want anyone around me to know. And then there's this part of me - the part that realizes I'm going to be okay someday and that post partum depression is nothing to be ashamed of. And nothing to hide.
I'm not completely broken. I'm just a little battered and bruised. But I'm healing. If you ask me how I'm doing and I respond with any of the canned "fine" "good" "great" answers, know that I am or that I'm working on it. Know that I'm focusing on the good in my life and that I don't want to talk about the dark and twisty stuff.
Know that I am absolutely over the top in love with my son:
